It's Only Love
by DigiDestinedJulia
Summary: Yusuke struggles with himself to understand his strange, new feelings.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Yu Yu Hakusho characters. I don't write for profit, I just write for fun. So there.  
  
OK, just so you know ahead of time, this is a yaoi fic involving Yusuke and Kurama. It won't be very long, but... well, I hope you enjoy it anyway. This is the first yaoi fic I've ever written, and it's also the first angsty fic I've ever written, and I found it to be very draining to write. So hopefully all my hard efforts won't be wasted and I'll turn out something enjoyable.  
  
So, basically, this fic is mostly Yusuke talking to himself. To keep the two Yusuke's straight, just remember that the voice of reason's dialogue will be in single quotations ( ' ) and that Yusuke talking out loud will be in double quotations ( " ).  
  
Also, when you see this: +--+--+--+--+--+ It means the start of a flashback.  
  
And this: --+--+--+--+--+-- Means the end of a flashback.  
  
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *  
  
"I love you." The words came out quietly, softly, and they surprised Yusuke.  
  
"What?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper.  
  
"I love you, Yusuke," the boy across from him said again. "I've always loved you."  
  
Yusuke could hardly breathe. He just stared into the deep green eyes that gazed back into his. "Kurama..."  
  
Kurama's eyes went down, unable to look the other boy straight in the face. "I realize that you couldn't possibly return my feelings for you, but..." He looked back up again into Yusuke's brown eyes. "I just wanted you to know."  
  
Yusuke couldn't find the right words to say. He wanted to tell him, but... he couldn't make himself say what he was feeling. He couldn't say what he had always felt. Something was holding him back. They sat in silence for a long, awkward moment.  
  
"I'm sorry," Kurama said, taking Yusuke's silence as rejection. "I'll take my leave of you now."  
  
"OK," Yusuke said, dumbfounded, following him to the door. 'OK? That's all I can say to him?'  
  
"Goodbye," Kurama said, opening the door to leave.  
  
'No! Don't go! Wait!' Yusuke's mind was screaming for him to grab the redheaded boy, to bring him back in, to tell him everything. But he was gone now. He had left. Yusuke was all alone again.  
  
The dark haired boy dazedly walked back to the living room and collapsed on a couch. "He's gone. I didn't tell him anything. He's gone."  
  
'And what would you have told him?' his inner voice asked him.  
  
"I don't know," Yusuke said.  
  
'You can't love him,' the voice said. 'That's just not you. You're not gay.'  
  
"I know, but," Yusuke said, "these feelings..."  
  
'Those feelings are wrong,' the voice told him. 'You should forget about them.'  
  
"You've been telling me to do that for such a long time," Yusuke said, upset. "How am I supposed to forget them?"  
  
'You're a man, damnit!' the voice yelled. 'Men are supposed to want girls! That's what's right. That's what's natural.'  
  
"That's what society says," Yusuke commented. "But when I'm with him..."  
  
The voice sighed. 'It just feels so right.'  
  
+--+--+--+--+--+  
  
Yusuke sat on the roof of the hospital, the Forlorn Hope in his hand. He was laughing with Botan over a job well done when he heard the door to the stairs open. He turned to see Kurama standing in the doorway.  
  
The redhead sighed with relief. "Oh good, I was afraid you had died."  
  
Yusuke laughed. "I've been dead before, I don't intend to go back anytime soon."  
  
Kurama smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. I didn't want to have a guilty conscience for causing your death."  
  
"Hey, I chose to offer my life to the Forlorn Hope, you couldn't have stopped me," Yusuke grinned. "How's your mom?"  
  
"She's going to make a full recovery," he offered his hand to help Yusuke up. "Thank you."  
  
Yusuke grabbed his hand and he was pulled up to his feet. Brown eyes met green ones as their hands lingered together for a moment. Kurama's hands were soft yet strong, just as Yusuke expected them to be. His own hands were rough and hard from years of punching.  
  
Botan, who felt she was being ignored, coughed to make her presence known.  
  
Startled, both boys let go and turned away from each other, blushing profusely.  
  
"Sorry," the said in unison.  
  
--+--+--+--+--+--  
  
"Of course I remember that," Yusuke said to himself. "I've never quite felt the same since."  
  
'So what did you do?' the voice asked him.  
  
"I paid more attention to Kayko, to try and fool everybody, to try and fool myself, that I was in love with her," Yusuke explained.  
  
'Were you?'  
  
"I did love her, I still do," he paused. "Just not like that. She was always more like... my baby sister. But she loved me.. At least, I thought she did."  
  
'But not anymore. She could tell, even when everyone else couldn't. She knew your heart wasn't in the relationship.'  
  
+--+--+--+--+--+  
  
"Yusuke?" Kayko sat across from him in a booth at McDonald's, sipping on a Coke.  
  
"Yeah?" asked Yusuke, stealing a few of her uneaten fries.  
  
She sighed. "What's going on?"  
  
Yusuke looked confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean, look at us! Look at them!" she said, pointing to other couples in the restaurant. "Why aren't we like them?"  
  
Yusuke looked at the other people; they were kissing, holding hands, making googly, lovey-dovey eyes. "What do you want to be like them for?"  
  
Kayko looked down into her coke. "They just seem so much... happier."  
  
"You're not happy?" Yusuke asked.  
  
"You're not," Kayko said.  
  
Yusuke looked at her for a few moments, trying to think of the right words to say. "What do you mean, I'm not happy? I'm happy! I'm having a great time!"  
  
"I mean you're not happy with me," Kayko said. "You don't love me."  
  
"And you think they love each other?" Yusuke pointed to the other couples. "I bet that most of them will have broken up and found new loves before the end of the year."  
  
"That's not the point!" Kayko said. She shook her head. "I was blind for so long... but I understand now."  
  
Yusuke could say nothing to stop her.  
  
"I just want you to be happy, Yusuke," she said. "And I now know that I can't do that for you. I wish with all my heart that I could, but I can't... I'm sorry."  
  
--+--+--+--+--+--  
  
"I see her around school every so often," Yusuke said.  
  
'But it's not the same anymore.'  
  
"No, it's not. We want to be friends, we really do, but..." Yusuke sighed.  
  
'You could've avoided that situation if you hadn't started dating her.'  
  
"I had to do something. I was scared..." Yusuke headed for the kitchen.  
  
'Scared of your own feelings?'  
  
"Yes!" He searched through the cupboards for a glass, and then opened the fridge.  
  
'Why? What is it you're afraid of?'  
  
"I don't know," he grabbed the container of milk and started to pour it.  
  
'Damnit, Yusuke, why can't you just admit it?'  
  
"Admit what?" he asked angrily.  
  
"Yusuke! I'm home!" Atsuko's voice came from the front door. She came into the kitchen and searched through the cupboards for her bottle of sake. "Who were you talking to?"  
  
'Now you're in trouble... make up something, quick!'  
  
"Oh, uh... I was on the phone!" Yusuke lied. He laughed nervously. "Telemarketer... heheh..."  
  
'That's the best you could come up with?'  
  
"Oh, OK." Atsuko said, pouring herself a glass. "Want some?"  
  
"No, no thanks, I have some milk," Yusuke looked around for where he had left his glass of milk and grabbed it. "Besides, you know you're not supposed to let me drink."  
  
"Oh yeah," she laughed. "I keep forgetting that you're younger than me."  
  
"Wouldn't I have to be?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, I suppose so. It's just that I hardly see you anymore," she said. "It almost feels like you're not my son."  
  
The words stung him, even if they were meant light-heartedly. 'Of course, when I am here, she's off partying, so she's partly to blame.'  
  
He finished off his milk and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Hey, I'm going out, OK?"  
  
"Where are you going?" Atsuko asked.  
  
"I thought I'd just walk around for a bit. Try to clear my mind." Yusuke headed for the door.  
  
"Well, take a jacket! It's cold outside!" Atsuko yelled to him as he left.  
  
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *  
  
A/N: Yikes, this chapter really took a lot out of me.  
  
OK, so this is part one. Part two is coming up next. I swear I'll update as soon as possible, so if you'd please give me some reviews, that'd be great. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. Not at all.  
  
Thanks to my reviewers. Especially Emme1 for giving me the tip about shounen ai. So, for all you reading this, I don't intend for any sex in this fic. (but, if I ever write a sequel... *evil laugh*) So, anyway, that's all I really had to say. So go and read more!  
  
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *  
  
"Brrrrrr!" Yusuke shivered in the cold wind. "Why didn't I take a jacket?"  
  
He walked down the crowded streets, not really knowing where he was going. He ducked into a small coffee shop and let the warmth spread through his body. He inhaled the strong odor of coffee before ordering some.  
  
Sitting at a little table, sipping his coffee, Yusuke thought, 'I was in here earlier today, too.'  
  
+--+--+--+--+--+  
  
"Hey!" Yusuke called a greeting to his friend as he entered the coffee shop.  
  
"Good morning," Kurama said lightly, taking a seat across from him. "How are you?"  
  
"Fine," Yusuke answered. "How about you?"  
  
"I suppose I'm all right," Kurama said. He was quiet and looked nervous.  
  
"So, what's up?" Yusuke finally asked. "Why'd you want to get together?"  
  
The redhead was quiet for a few moments. "Can we go somewhere more... private? I have to tell you something, and I'd prefer to be alone."  
  
Yusuke blinked a couple of times. "Oh. OK. Well, we can go to my apartment. It's not that far from here."  
  
Kurama blushed a little, but it was hardly noticeable. "Yes, that will do, I suppose."  
  
--+--+--+--+--+--  
  
'And when we got there, he told me... he said...'  
  
"Ouch! Damnit!" Yusuke said angrily after burning his tongue on hot coffee. He blushed from embarrassment when all the other costumers stared at him. "Sorry."  
  
He sheepishly blew on his coffee to cool it down, and started to sip it again, aware that there were still eyes upon him.  
  
'I must really be under a lot of stress,' Yusuke thought. 'I never burn my tongue anymore. I must not have been paying attention.'  
  
He finished his coffee and left, out into the cold wind again. Shivering, he decided he should go home and get a jacket. He headed back, and snuck in the front door, hoping Atsuko wouldn't hear him. He grabbed a coat and dashed back outside.  
  
'No need in getting her concerned about me,' Yusuke thought. 'Might think I was crazy, or something.'  
  
He headed in the opposite direction he had gone before, and ended up walking into the park. The leaves on the trees made a rustling sound in the wind, drowning out the pestering voice in his head. His abused mind couldn't take anymore of the voice's cruel accusations. Apparently, something in his brain knew more than the rest of him did.  
  
He sat up against a large tree, one of his favorite trees in the park. He used to come here as a child and tease Kayko. Back in the days before he had met Kurama. Back before his life had changed.  
  
His peace state wouldn't last, however. His troubles came back to haunt him, reminding him of what he had been thinking about all day.  
  
'He said he loved,' Yusuke sighed. "He loves me."  
  
'And I didn't say anything. He said he had always loved me. How could I not tell? All that time he was in love with me.' He tried to remember anything that might have clued him in, but all he remembered were all the special, little things that had made Yusuke fall in love with him in the first place. 'No, I can't be in love with him. I'm not like that.'  
  
'Still using that excuse?' the voice asked.  
  
Yusuke sighed. "Mabe I'm wrong."  
  
'Are you ready to admit it? To say that you do love him?'  
  
"I don't know."  
  
'The longer you keep up this charade, the harder it will be on you,' the voice said. 'You can't keep it up much longer, pretending like you don't care.'  
  
"But I do care," Yusuke said quietly. "I do."  
  
'Then why don't you tell him?'  
  
"I can't."  
  
'Why not?'  
  
"Because," Yusuke bit his lip. "What if..."  
  
'What if he left you?'  
  
Yusuke held back a sob. He wouldn't cry about this. He couldn't.  
  
'Tough. Deal with it. Just because your father...'  
  
"No!" Yusuke shouted. "Don't ever mention him!"  
  
A passing group of girls started to giggle, and then to laugh at the crazy boy who was talking to himself in the park. Yusuke blushed and shut his mouth.  
  
'Now look what you did. They probably think I'm some nut-case who lives out here.'  
  
Yusuke got up and walked out of the park back towards home. If nothing could clear his mind of that voice, then he might as well talk to himself in the privacy of his own home.  
  
He went inside and found Atsuko asleep on the couch. Sighing, he got her a blanket and a pillow. He went back into his own room and lied down on the bed.  
  
'So what is it about your dad that gets you so upset?' the voice asked him.  
  
"None of your damned business," Yusuke grumbled.  
  
'Of course it's my business. I'm you.'  
  
"Then you should know that answer already," Yusuke rolled over onto his side.  
  
'But I want you to admit it to yourself. That's the whole point.'  
  
Yusuke sighed. There was no getting away from that voice. "I guess..." he shook his head. "I guess I'm just angry at him. For leaving us."  
  
'For leaving you?'  
  
"Yeah."  
  
+--+--+--+--+--+  
  
"Let's play again, daddy!" Yusuke said, pulling his father by the hand towards the door.  
  
"No, kid-o, I'm too tired," his father yawned to prove his point.  
  
"Awww," Yusuke pouted. "Mommy? Will you play with me?"  
  
Atsuko sat at the table, going over bills. "No, I'm sorry honey, but Mommy's busy right now. Besides, I think there's a storm coming. You shouldn't go outside in the rain. And you know that it's almost bed-time."  
  
Yusuke pouted even more and scurried into his room to play with his toy soldiers. He lined them up in rows of four. He took his favorite soldier, a well worn and dangerous looking fellow, his Yuushou , and set him up in front of the other soldiers.  
  
"And now you die!" Yuushou (Yusuke) said. He had lost the gun that came with him a long time ago, so he had to pretend that it was still there. "Bang bang!"  
  
Using his hand, he smashed down all the other soldiers. He giggled and pushed them all away into the closet. Yuushou was all that he needed to keep him occupied.  
  
Atsuko opened the door and leaned in. "Yusuke, time for bed."  
  
"OK, Mommy!" he said jumping onto his bed. A crash of thunder could be heard outside. Yusuke clutched Yuushou tightly. He was afraid of thunder. "Mommy..."  
  
"Oh, it's just thunder," Atsuko said. "Don't be such a coward. Be strong, like Yuushou." She patted him on the head and left.  
  
Yusuke's father poked his head in. "Don't worry, kid-o. If it gets too bad, I'll come and rescue you." He winked, turned off the light, and left.  
  
Yusuke curled up under the covers. 'Daddy will protect me from the thunder,' he thought to himself.  
  
Another, louder crash of thunder was heard, followed by lightening that lit up the room. Rain spattered against the window. Again, the thunder roared loudly.  
  
'Any minute now, he'll come in and get me,' Yusuke kept repeating to himself. He could hear voices out in the front room. He quietly tip-toed his way over to the door to listen.  
  
'They're fighting again,' Yusuke thought sadly. Another crash of thunder. 'But it'll be over soon.'  
  
But it wasn't over soon. The voices became louder as they yelled at each other. Yusuke kept back tears as he crawled back into his bed.  
  
The thunder cracked fiercely, but Yusuke could only hear his mother's voice. "Just get out! And don't come back this time!"  
  
There was the slam of a door, and all became quiet. The rain lessened outside, and Yusuke desperately listened for his father's voice, but there was nothing.  
  
He began to cry. Tears rushed down his young face, dripping down onto Yuushou's plastic face. Yusuke looked down into the painted eyes of his toy, for that was all it was. Just a toy. Angered, he threw it at the wall.  
  
Yuushou had been an old toy, and Yusuke's father had told him that he had played with him when he was a boy. Plus, he had many small cracks running through his torso. So it wasn't too surprising when the soldier shattered against the wall, the plastic pieces scattering across the floor..  
  
Yusuke was horrified at what he had just done. "I'm sorry Yuushou. I didn't mean it." He sobbed. "I didn't mean it!"  
  
Atsuko rushed in, her eyes red from crying. "What happened? I heard a crash!"  
  
"I'm sorry," Yusuke said, tears streaming down.  
  
Atsuko rushed over to Yusuke's bed and hugged him. All he could do was cry.  
  
"Yusuke... listen to me," she said, holding him. "It's just going to be me and you from now on, and things are going to be pretty hard for us for awhile, OK?"  
  
Yusuke nodded. He wiped away his tears.  
  
"You're going to have to be strong for me. But I promise, someday, we'll be ok again. I swear it. So can you do that? Can you be strong for Mommy?"  
  
Yusuke nodded again.  
  
"So don't cry. Please don't cry."  
  
--+--+--+--+--+--  
  
Yusuke shook his head. "I still don't like thunder."  
  
'And you never saw him again?' the voice asked.  
  
"No. And Mom didn't keep her promise about us being all right. She just started drinking."  
  
'She always drank though, even before that happened.'  
  
"But not as much. And not as frequently." He rolled over again. "She couldn't pay the bills."  
  
'And that's when...'  
  
"Don't remind me. It makes me sick to think that she would do that."  
  
'But what about your father?'  
  
"What about him?" Yusuke asked.  
  
'You hated him for leaving, but you still wanted him to come back.'  
  
"Of course I wanted him to come back!" Yusuke snapped. "He was my dad!"  
  
'Even though he divorced your mom?'  
  
"People get divorces. It's part of life."  
  
'But they usually don't abandon their children.'  
  
"Maybe he was just busy," Yusuke said weakly.  
  
'He could have at least stopped by to check on you.'  
  
"Maybe he didn't love me anymore. Since I stayed with Mom."  
  
'You really think he stopped loving you?'  
  
"I could have at least gone out and looked for him. Try to find him."  
  
'He could have done the same, except he would have had an easier time. He already knew where you were.'  
  
Yusuke got angry. "Hey, who's side are you on, anyway?"  
  
'Quiet, idiot, or you'll wake your mom.'  
  
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *  
  
A/N: Yes, that was chapter 2. When I write, I really have no set idea on where it's going to go. I had no idea when I started writing this chapter that I'd go into his past with his father like that, but I like how it turned out. So, anyway, it's not over yet! (Geez, I feel so creative right now. I never write chapters this fast. Anyway, I'm not sure when the next chapter will come out, but hopefully you liked this chapter and hopefully you'll review! 


End file.
